Theoretically, I'm a Christian

Growing up, we were all taught that 1+1 = 2, we never questioned it, we were too small to even bother. Sure enough, when we did the math, it did equal 2 and so our faith in numbers was born. I’ve been meaning to write this post for probably 4-5 days now, but what I am about to write about, is an ongoing situation and so this post is somewhat written in faith.

Last week, my Grandad went into hospital. To many this won’t seem like a big deal as people are in and out of hospital on a daily basis. However, it is a big deal when your Grandad is 90. I won’t go into the specifics of his stay and why he went in, but I will say that it was a very, very delicate situation. Difficult conversations were being had and it was a sensitive time. As soon as I heard he went in, it’s like my world started to cave. You see, I've never lost anyone close to me, which is a blessing in many ways, but it still just delays the inevitable. One day I will lose someone. How will I react? Will I be able to weather that storm? Will my countenance change forever? I was scared, very scared. For the first few hours I couldn’t rest, couldn’t eat - I was frozen. It wasn’t looking good.

I called one of my close friends who happens to be a Doctor, to relay the situation to her. As good friends do, she offered her unwavering support and help in any way she could and as good doctors do, she calmly explained the situation to me, once I relayed what had happened. Once I digested what she said and the whole situation in its entirety, I felt a sense of peace come over me. But that still wasn't enough.

Then this question smacked me in the face - right between the eyes. “Aren’t you a Christian?”. I felt as though the whole of heaven had fixed their gaze on me as though they eagerly awaited my answer. My mind started to work overtime. My christianity was my identity, it governed my life physically, my morals and my thoughts (I am nowhere near perfect by the way!) but here I was, unable to allow it to take hold of my emotions. Theoretically, I was a Christian, but when the rubber met the road on this occasion, that went out the window. I can reel off (to a degree) a Bible verse for any occasion, explain and understand seemingly complex Biblical principles and even sing songs about having faith and letting your Christianity be a daily lived experience - heck, I even have this blog. I have no shortage of life experiences where God has come through for me in small ways and in some very very big ways so the question was not about whether or not God could heal Grandad, I knew He had the power to. The challenge was letting my soul rest in God. Letting go. Letting go of the anxiety, the stress, the fear and the overwhelming desire to try and fix everything.

The practicality of my Christianity was being put to the test. What stuff was I made of? Clearly I had built my “house” of faith on the sand of pure theory. The result? There was little or nothing to it. I suddenly thought "Had I wasted all of Gods blessings? Was I no longer a worthy recipient? Had God wasted His time blessing me and pulling me through many a situation just for my faith to be wafer thin?" My mind started to spiral. All my experiences had amounted to a massive pile of nothingness. My faith was speedily overtaken by my fear.

I felt low, sad that I could no longer wear the badge of being a real Christian, you know, the ones that praise God in their storm? That wasn’t me, I even wasn’t sure if I’d still have my grandad over the weekend. It was hard work being just theoretically christian. I needed an active faith and a previous conversation with said aforementioned friend sprung to mind. She referenced Bible giants such as Joseph who had a much less than desirable experience in prison, then I felt as though I was in good company (with Joseph that is). He had low moments, moments when he was thrown in a pit by so called family (wellllllllll…..), moments when he was sold into slavery, moments when others were promoted ahead of him. He wasn’t always the governor of Egypt - his faith wavered too.

The message - it is ok for your faith to fragment at times, even Jesus on the cross felt like He had been left alone. The trick? Don’t let it overtake you. Don’t give away to sorrow and stress - simple ask God to build your faith in Him. The Bible says in Hebrews 11:6, that “…it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him.”

It’s time to stop being a Christian in Theory, it’s time to start living it.

Oh, and Grandad’s coming home :)